Moments

       Being an adult is a journey not for the faint of heart, the problem is when we are young we can't wait to grow up, because we believe that life will be amazing, life will be fantastic, when in truth we don't realize that at times the innocence of youth allows us to live in a bubble. 
    While we grow we learn and we hopefully take advantage of moments as they come, so that we can learn. What I find interesting is that theses moments have more effect on us than I ever though..I a little over a year ago had a very bad time at work I was at my lowest point on the verge of loosing my lively hood and because of that left with two options, do I fight to gain back my self respect to gain back my good name to in a way gain back my honor? Or do I give up roll over and go on? 
    What I choose to do was fight to take control of what I could in regards to work and how I could handle myself and how I could handle my outlook on not allowing my emotions to get to me. I am finding now that in a very strange way I am shell shocked because while I have been having great success at work as of late I am still scared that the past will rear it's head and that I will fail. Now I know many people believe U get what u put out there and I will say I have a very strong desire to put nothing but the best out there, I feel that if i do not remember the past and learn from it I will be a failure and that I feel I ca not allow. I'm hoping now that by writing this I can get put piece's of this past to bed were it belongs.                                                                                                                                     

Changing the chapter

  Over the last few months life has changed and become strange and exciting and frustrating and weird and what have u, some of the things we have done together is decide to loose weight and to buy a house "I mean we are home owners how the hell did that happen" The weight has been an issue for awhile and because we were both expanding together it seemed harder to see the true effect it was having on us. Now through all this I have found that I my self am changing or growing or whatever the hell happens to an old homo :) I decided when the weight loss became a goal I needed to deal with more than just the weight but also deal the why and I mean why I was heavy, why I used food as my drug of choice and were that comes from. Well The journey is one I am still on and the layers of my inner self that I am still discovering is soo for a better word odd, and when I say that what I mean is the fact that at 43 I am now looking at my self and looking at my life and what I have been through and trying to decided how much of this story will I allow to be the true markers of who or better yet what I am. I am now looking at the next chapter of my life and at what that means for me as a man as a husband and hopefully one day a parent. So here's to the next chapter and here's to making every word of the next part of the story count.

The rules

          Lately once more I have been reading the rules and the expectations that people seem to put on one another in regards to relationships and how they expect to conduct themselves with in one. Something I find very strange is the fact that so many don't seem to be in it for love or even like they seem more into it for what they can get out of the other, and to as why that I don't understand at all. 

         I mean I am in a relationship with a man and because of that we have to in many ways make up the rules of how we not only want our life's to be but how we will work as a team, to build our self's and lives. Something I do find interesting is when I hear someone of the "other" team talk about sleeping with someone that they don't even really like, now I don't for a moment want it to seem that I have never hooked up however unlike with a man and a woman I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

         Knowing this and knowing that this act will in a way bind u to someone else forever why not do everything u can to  not to let this happen. Also what is so important about the role's and as to whom does what? What  is strange to me is that so many put so much on this, the wife must take care of her man, the husband must wk 80 hours a week I mean says who? 

    Yes way back in the day things were done a certain way because that is what worked, because that is how it had to be. The fact is no longer the fact is You have to talk, you have to make the decisions together because when all is said and done it's the two of u and u have to be able to talk and laugh and cry and smile.

        I don't for one moment think I have all the answers I usually feel I have more questions than anything else, but the fact is I know I have to ask those questions I have to have those fights I have to be willing to get ugly with my hubby to come out the other side. I so often looked at the relationship between my mother and dad and so much of the hurt and the pain they had with one another and the strange moments of joy and humor, but what I'm not sure of is were the foundation of the relationship came from? I knew one thing before all else I wanted someone who not only loved me but respected me and I them that is the true key we believe that with anything it's work however the fact is we believe the work is important and it's something we don't mind doing. 

Diabetes Sucks

        OK let's just face it Diabetes sucks, however what's worse is that because of this illness if your heavy then people assume that you have only your self to blame and never for one moment think that this is something that has passed down with in your family.

 Now does this mean that if your heavy u have no responsibility for your health and for taking care of your self, the answer is no, it does not, what it does mean is that You must know about what your body is doing and why it's doing what it's doing. 

The other thing no one really helps u understand is all of the issue's that come with this illness from the need to take extra care of your feet to extra care of your eye's, also the fact that if your male and u enjoy sex, well Mr happy may not want to cooperate with you if your sugar level is two crazy. 

I mean come on if you know u have this illness do your research and realize that your life is no longer what it was, u have to make this a life event, you have to make it apart of you and not fight it because what is the point of that? 

What's the point of not wanting to make your legs work and move, as I am getting older now I am finding that at times my body feels like it just wants to sit and I know that that's a terrible idea because I start to hurt and I hate the feeling, so I get up I take what ever I need to, to keep moving and go to the gym and swim or I clean or walk I make my self live. 

I hope the next time someone knows someone with diabetes they realize this is no joke, this is not because of sugar this is not just carb's it's the whole thing. Hopeful people will say, hey let's move our butt's because I don't know about u but I'm not ready to just sit down yet.Life is not bad and I want to see some more of what it has to offer.

Carrillo's Christmas or how the homo tree saved Christmas

          The funny thing is the older I get I realize that the concept of Christmas and what we want it to be is up to us and I remember more and more when I was a kid sitting by our Christmas tree and flying my land speeder through the Christmas tree and driving my mom nuts because if I made one of her Christmas ball's clink she was ready to strangle me and I always found it funny, so I would tell her...yes mom I'm not doing anything, of course I would wait and do it again, hee hee hee hee.

            To me when I think about Christmas as a kid that's what I think of. Cut to years in the future and the Christmas's that My sweet pookie and I have had as a couple and how they went.  

             Last year was my 1st Christmas as a married man and my 1st Christmas back in California after living in Florida for two years, What was odd was the for better word pressure I put on my self and my new hubby because it was our 1st Christmas being married and in my mind I had built up some strange image of what I thought that would mean, how people would react and for a better word maybe the glow that would come forth from me because of this new identity I had the privilege to take.

                Expectations I find are a great way to set your self up for disappointment because the build up is never what u think it should be..This year I have decided with My hubby to make this Christmas what WE want it to be with the traditions we choose to have and make, realizing that we have reached the point in our life's that to depend  on either family to make our holiday is ridiculous, we need to use what the family's offer as frosting never the filler of the cake of what Christmas is and could be.  I know that our traditions of setting up our tree and finding crazy Christmas ornaments and setting up the stocking and lights, that's ours to enjoy and do. Our tradition of how we buy gifts and share them it's up to us. I know Christmas will never have the magic it had when I was a kid and my mom would take the time to make it special, However I know that the magic now it maybe different because my mom is in heaven, but I know that ever time we set up our lights and tree we are doing honor  to mom, to the Christmas spell she would weave,  but I know that mom leaves a little of her magic with us every time we light those lights. So here is to Christmas the Christmas of the Carrillo's and the family and traditions we are making together.

Fear of failure or scared to relax

This is my year of improvement, this is my year to make my self better and do the kind of work to 

make this happen up till now, I have failed to do. However the part in this whole journey that was not expected is that on top of this is that work has been thrown in the mix and having to really strip down what I need to do to make this business a true success. 

     During this I have found that because of what I believe has to be done and that I am the only one who can get stuff done, has put me in a position of being stressed and at times over whelmed. I am learning with the help of a wonderful therapist that it's OK to relax, it's OK to sometimes do nothing. I am learning were this is coming from, and allot if from the way I grew up. 

      The way we grew up there was always something to do, and because of that even on a day off I find that I try to pack my day with so much so I feel at the end of the day that I have gotten stuff done, but why? What is the point, what am I truly hopping to achieve with driving my self nut's because I do not want to relinquish control and have a fear of failing but if I'm trying am I failing? What I am trying to understand now is that with out hiding behind food I have to learn new ways of dealing with everything even my hubby, who I adore but lord help me I something could put threw a wall. I just have to realize that that's not wrong to feel like that sometimes. The fact that Marriage is work is something that I do understand and I want to do the work he's worth it and I'm worth it. I also think because I'm surrounded by people who are ending relationships I know I don't want to become complaisant with the fact that we have been together so long. I know life is what we make it, so I just need to keep up the wk I need to do not to fail and make my story what I want it to be.

Mental Tune-up

 I find it funny, well funny might be the wrong word, the correct word may be miss informed. It seems to me the stigma that people have at the idea of speaking to a therapist is so wrong. Why is it that if our computers need "tune-up" or "car's" why should it be any different with our minds?
  I currently made the choice this year to see a therapist for a "tune-up" and the progress has helped me start to learn many things about myself, also to help me learn what my triggers our and were my motivations come from. I am learning that in many ways I have used food as a form of self medication, when ever life got to hard. This makes me no different then any addict I am now learning how to work with this.
  The Mind and the power of the brain is a wonder to behold and what I am also finding is that the effects of our childhood does still come to effect us as we get older, and it's not only the scars but it's the cause and effect of what ever we go threw. I'm learning buy talking with a therapist that even at my age I can still grow, I can still learn I can still be better and I know that now that I'm married now that I have even more reason to dream and hope, I want every thing life has for me. I am also learning that life owes me nothing but damn I want everything it has for me.