Moments

       Being an adult is a journey not for the faint of heart, the problem is when we are young we can't wait to grow up, because we believe that life will be amazing, life will be fantastic, when in truth we don't realize that at times the innocence of youth allows us to live in a bubble. 
    While we grow we learn and we hopefully take advantage of moments as they come, so that we can learn. What I find interesting is that theses moments have more effect on us than I ever though..I a little over a year ago had a very bad time at work I was at my lowest point on the verge of loosing my lively hood and because of that left with two options, do I fight to gain back my self respect to gain back my good name to in a way gain back my honor? Or do I give up roll over and go on? 
    What I choose to do was fight to take control of what I could in regards to work and how I could handle myself and how I could handle my outlook on not allowing my emotions to get to me. I am finding now that in a very strange way I am shell shocked because while I have been having great success at work as of late I am still scared that the past will rear it's head and that I will fail. Now I know many people believe U get what u put out there and I will say I have a very strong desire to put nothing but the best out there, I feel that if i do not remember the past and learn from it I will be a failure and that I feel I ca not allow. I'm hoping now that by writing this I can get put piece's of this past to bed were it belongs.                                                                                                                                     

Changing the chapter

  Over the last few months life has changed and become strange and exciting and frustrating and weird and what have u, some of the things we have done together is decide to loose weight and to buy a house "I mean we are home owners how the hell did that happen" The weight has been an issue for awhile and because we were both expanding together it seemed harder to see the true effect it was having on us. Now through all this I have found that I my self am changing or growing or whatever the hell happens to an old homo :) I decided when the weight loss became a goal I needed to deal with more than just the weight but also deal the why and I mean why I was heavy, why I used food as my drug of choice and were that comes from. Well The journey is one I am still on and the layers of my inner self that I am still discovering is soo for a better word odd, and when I say that what I mean is the fact that at 43 I am now looking at my self and looking at my life and what I have been through and trying to decided how much of this story will I allow to be the true markers of who or better yet what I am. I am now looking at the next chapter of my life and at what that means for me as a man as a husband and hopefully one day a parent. So here's to the next chapter and here's to making every word of the next part of the story count.

The rules

          Lately once more I have been reading the rules and the expectations that people seem to put on one another in regards to relationships and how they expect to conduct themselves with in one. Something I find very strange is the fact that so many don't seem to be in it for love or even like they seem more into it for what they can get out of the other, and to as why that I don't understand at all. 

         I mean I am in a relationship with a man and because of that we have to in many ways make up the rules of how we not only want our life's to be but how we will work as a team, to build our self's and lives. Something I do find interesting is when I hear someone of the "other" team talk about sleeping with someone that they don't even really like, now I don't for a moment want it to seem that I have never hooked up however unlike with a man and a woman I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

         Knowing this and knowing that this act will in a way bind u to someone else forever why not do everything u can to  not to let this happen. Also what is so important about the role's and as to whom does what? What  is strange to me is that so many put so much on this, the wife must take care of her man, the husband must wk 80 hours a week I mean says who? 

    Yes way back in the day things were done a certain way because that is what worked, because that is how it had to be. The fact is no longer the fact is You have to talk, you have to make the decisions together because when all is said and done it's the two of u and u have to be able to talk and laugh and cry and smile.

        I don't for one moment think I have all the answers I usually feel I have more questions than anything else, but the fact is I know I have to ask those questions I have to have those fights I have to be willing to get ugly with my hubby to come out the other side. I so often looked at the relationship between my mother and dad and so much of the hurt and the pain they had with one another and the strange moments of joy and humor, but what I'm not sure of is were the foundation of the relationship came from? I knew one thing before all else I wanted someone who not only loved me but respected me and I them that is the true key we believe that with anything it's work however the fact is we believe the work is important and it's something we don't mind doing. 

Diabetes Sucks

        OK let's just face it Diabetes sucks, however what's worse is that because of this illness if your heavy then people assume that you have only your self to blame and never for one moment think that this is something that has passed down with in your family.

 Now does this mean that if your heavy u have no responsibility for your health and for taking care of your self, the answer is no, it does not, what it does mean is that You must know about what your body is doing and why it's doing what it's doing. 

The other thing no one really helps u understand is all of the issue's that come with this illness from the need to take extra care of your feet to extra care of your eye's, also the fact that if your male and u enjoy sex, well Mr happy may not want to cooperate with you if your sugar level is two crazy. 

I mean come on if you know u have this illness do your research and realize that your life is no longer what it was, u have to make this a life event, you have to make it apart of you and not fight it because what is the point of that? 

What's the point of not wanting to make your legs work and move, as I am getting older now I am finding that at times my body feels like it just wants to sit and I know that that's a terrible idea because I start to hurt and I hate the feeling, so I get up I take what ever I need to, to keep moving and go to the gym and swim or I clean or walk I make my self live. 

I hope the next time someone knows someone with diabetes they realize this is no joke, this is not because of sugar this is not just carb's it's the whole thing. Hopeful people will say, hey let's move our butt's because I don't know about u but I'm not ready to just sit down yet.Life is not bad and I want to see some more of what it has to offer.

Carrillo's Christmas or how the homo tree saved Christmas

          The funny thing is the older I get I realize that the concept of Christmas and what we want it to be is up to us and I remember more and more when I was a kid sitting by our Christmas tree and flying my land speeder through the Christmas tree and driving my mom nuts because if I made one of her Christmas ball's clink she was ready to strangle me and I always found it funny, so I would tell her...yes mom I'm not doing anything, of course I would wait and do it again, hee hee hee hee.

            To me when I think about Christmas as a kid that's what I think of. Cut to years in the future and the Christmas's that My sweet pookie and I have had as a couple and how they went.  

             Last year was my 1st Christmas as a married man and my 1st Christmas back in California after living in Florida for two years, What was odd was the for better word pressure I put on my self and my new hubby because it was our 1st Christmas being married and in my mind I had built up some strange image of what I thought that would mean, how people would react and for a better word maybe the glow that would come forth from me because of this new identity I had the privilege to take.

                Expectations I find are a great way to set your self up for disappointment because the build up is never what u think it should be..This year I have decided with My hubby to make this Christmas what WE want it to be with the traditions we choose to have and make, realizing that we have reached the point in our life's that to depend  on either family to make our holiday is ridiculous, we need to use what the family's offer as frosting never the filler of the cake of what Christmas is and could be.  I know that our traditions of setting up our tree and finding crazy Christmas ornaments and setting up the stocking and lights, that's ours to enjoy and do. Our tradition of how we buy gifts and share them it's up to us. I know Christmas will never have the magic it had when I was a kid and my mom would take the time to make it special, However I know that the magic now it maybe different because my mom is in heaven, but I know that ever time we set up our lights and tree we are doing honor  to mom, to the Christmas spell she would weave,  but I know that mom leaves a little of her magic with us every time we light those lights. So here is to Christmas the Christmas of the Carrillo's and the family and traditions we are making together.

Fear of failure or scared to relax

This is my year of improvement, this is my year to make my self better and do the kind of work to 

make this happen up till now, I have failed to do. However the part in this whole journey that was not expected is that on top of this is that work has been thrown in the mix and having to really strip down what I need to do to make this business a true success. 

     During this I have found that because of what I believe has to be done and that I am the only one who can get stuff done, has put me in a position of being stressed and at times over whelmed. I am learning with the help of a wonderful therapist that it's OK to relax, it's OK to sometimes do nothing. I am learning were this is coming from, and allot if from the way I grew up. 

      The way we grew up there was always something to do, and because of that even on a day off I find that I try to pack my day with so much so I feel at the end of the day that I have gotten stuff done, but why? What is the point, what am I truly hopping to achieve with driving my self nut's because I do not want to relinquish control and have a fear of failing but if I'm trying am I failing? What I am trying to understand now is that with out hiding behind food I have to learn new ways of dealing with everything even my hubby, who I adore but lord help me I something could put threw a wall. I just have to realize that that's not wrong to feel like that sometimes. The fact that Marriage is work is something that I do understand and I want to do the work he's worth it and I'm worth it. I also think because I'm surrounded by people who are ending relationships I know I don't want to become complaisant with the fact that we have been together so long. I know life is what we make it, so I just need to keep up the wk I need to do not to fail and make my story what I want it to be.

Mental Tune-up

 I find it funny, well funny might be the wrong word, the correct word may be miss informed. It seems to me the stigma that people have at the idea of speaking to a therapist is so wrong. Why is it that if our computers need "tune-up" or "car's" why should it be any different with our minds?
  I currently made the choice this year to see a therapist for a "tune-up" and the progress has helped me start to learn many things about myself, also to help me learn what my triggers our and were my motivations come from. I am learning that in many ways I have used food as a form of self medication, when ever life got to hard. This makes me no different then any addict I am now learning how to work with this.
  The Mind and the power of the brain is a wonder to behold and what I am also finding is that the effects of our childhood does still come to effect us as we get older, and it's not only the scars but it's the cause and effect of what ever we go threw. I'm learning buy talking with a therapist that even at my age I can still grow, I can still learn I can still be better and I know that now that I'm married now that I have even more reason to dream and hope, I want every thing life has for me. I am also learning that life owes me nothing but damn I want everything it has for me.

Forever after

       What is forever after and most importantly what does it mean, I mean truly mean. Sometimes it seems that people are so easy to let relationships go because things have gotten more complicated than they were willing to deal with. What I find interesting is were is it written that relationships are easy, but more than that were is it written that u should ever settle for less than the 100% BAM of what love is and could be.   
        Should being with someone ever be because it's convenient or should it ever be because one person is having a baby. When do we stand up and say I DESERVE THE BEST!! I mean why is that wrong.
With love with a relationship should we not have a foundation of friendship and should we not have a way to always work to stay connected. I mean come on people it's work don't fool your self and better yet, remember to talk to your partner and let them know what's in you and make them tell u what's in them.
         As we age and grow yes lord we are going to change, but never ever should we get to a point were we became complacent with one another, every day there should still be some kind of laughter and some kind of smiles, I mean why not, why should there ever be a reason not to tease and smile and laugh. your story as a couple is written as you go. It's only complete if u want it to be and the truth or better yet the fact is that the best love stories never end, because they go through out time.
     
     

What makes us Finally get full.

   This Year I am using the work I'm doing on my teeth to be a jumping off point to work on my weight, To really work on my weight I have had to look at why and how I have in many ways kept my self heavy and how I have justified doing so. I have started working with a therapist and am learning that a huge factor with me is the fact that like any addict I would use food to alter my mood to make me feel better,and that would be when ever I'm happy,sad, angry...it's always been my 1st impulse to find something tasty to chow down on. Now all these years later I have diabetes and high blood pressure, and I'm tired of it. I'm now to this age were I worry about my health about not being able to walk, of a heart attack, I know that at 42 I'm not indestructible and knowing that means that I have the option on if i am going to do something about my weight or not. I wish people understood that weight issues are not easy, that people with really bad ones have some demons that they might not know are there that need to be dealt with. I know that my journey is my journey and how I choose to take it is on me, not anyone Else's. I will have to see what happens next, and in a way I am very excited because I know that the story is not written yet.I just know that I don't want my weight to be a majority of my story, it would be better if it was just a foot note.

The smoke of the afterlife.

Life and the journey we take is sometimes for a better word complex and at times can be full of both good and bad light. Now I know that a believe in the afterlife is seem by some to be far fetched and out of the realm of reality, but is that a bad thing? 1st is it wrong to have a healthy respect for the afterlife, is it wrong to believe that at times spirits or Ghost as it were will hang around to give u nothing more at times a "hug" or maybe be a protective veil of security. When My mother passed it was a horrific moment of lost and on some level confusion. Now were that comes in the confusion part is that to this day when I feel stressed or over whelmed I smell smoke, not the kind that starts a fire but the kind that reminds me that my mom is around, I know my sister feels it as well. Now is that something that makes me crazy, something that makes me weird? Maybe but it's also a gift a way to let me know that when it's my time to go I know she will be waiting for me for any of the members of her family that she watches out for to make sure that the journey that we take next will be a journey of togetherness all ways.

Keeping the Crazy in checked

          It's Funny to me the idea's we get in our heads and what those idea's mean. It's funny to me how all of the trials we can go through have more effect on us than we sometimes want to admit. Now that is nothing new because depending how you were brought up and what u learned you may or may not have the skills to cope with things that could and at times seem beyond your control. However when u stop and you think about that Control is at times nothing more than an illusion that we inflict on our self's because in truth we do not understand how our life is unfolding. I have learned that it's not a bad thing to seek out help in understanding the turmoil or better yet the uncertainty we feel. I find that at times speaking to someone with no emotional connection is great because the fear of judgment is not there and because that fear is not there the lines of communications are greater and more open. I have decided to speak to someone to help me understand the weight of the last  few years and what it all means with a little come clarity. I feel I am not someone who looks down on being willing to get help, but I do know that it is my job to put in the work and make sure I have the courage to take the journey and be OK with the out come.

When is it time to stop the partying?

          I found my self driving today in west Hollywood and was noticing how during the day the luster of this  Town seems to have dulled it self during the day. What is interesting is that when I was younger and going through the process of coming out, West Hollywood to me seemed like this safe and in some respect magical place. A place to take the journey of discovery a place to learn what a young gay man should have learned when everyone else was learning how to date. I remember sneaking over to west Hollywood to watch and maybe to dance, to talk to a guy, I remember having my 1st real kiss and the song that was playing (total eclipse of the heart). Now what is so funny is that after many years, many nights of dancing Many hook ups. I know see West Hollywood with a different eye, I look at it with less luster and less shine. I see it as a place that at one time meant more to me than it does now, but like anything it is a place that needs to live and needs survive. I look now at being an older gay man who is married and has lived a life of lessons and at times a life of wonder/shock/laughter. I look now at west Hollywood as not a place for hook-ups but perhaps a place for a date night with my husband. A place were we can go to dinner maybe dance, peep some hot guys "wink" but go home more in love than before. I look now at being a husband as a time to maybe not party but be willing to have fun in different ways, maybe in ways to share the laughter and the joy and the wonder and the love with my husband. That is the best time we can have hands down.

Married Life is freaking cool

    I find that I am having a huge fabulous time being married and to many that may seen weird or strange, however The togetherness and the Love I feel coming from this crazy man I have bounded my self to two and how I feel about him and the sheer magical feeling we experience while in each others company almost has no words.
  I find being married is hard work, imagine if u will working out or dieting, maybe studying for a test, what if u took all those things and put them together? If u did then u might start to understand the work that goes into being married. Were is it written that marriage is easy? were is it written that there will never be conflicts?
   I find that being married is an adventure I have never been so happy to undertake, what this is teaching me though is how to be the person I want to be with less stress and fear but with the the will and the happiness to know that our story is still growing and still writing it's self and were will be next is soooo exciting to see.

Newlyweds

It's funny the things life gives u or hands u depending on how u look at it. We have now been married for over a month and it's a truly Hilarious time for us right now, because we are learning more about each other as every day pass and to me that is amazing given that we have had the pleasure of being together now over a decade and a few years :). Now even though we are enjoying these moments what is bitter sweet to me is the fact that my sweet mom is not around to share these moments and let me tell her stories of what I'm going through and find out what her advice for crazy moments with Pookie would be. Sometimes I wish she was still on this plan of existence but then there are moments when I remember her suffering and what she went through and I know that her being the family Guardian angel is a better destiny for her.

I feel that the start of my marriage is the next chapter in the great journey we are meant to undertake. I know that as we move forward we see what parts are the next to fit together for us. The next part were we buy a house, were we have a child, were we continue to grow and make our own family as strong as we can. Pookie and I are blessed because we are surrounded by love and because of that we know we can and will do anything we need to do on our road to being one family. 

Forever and ever!

Spouse's for life.


                            

July was a very surreal time for both me and My new Hubby (GOD I LOVE SAYING THAT) Because we were finally able to do something that so many seem to take for granted and that is to Marry each other.
We choice to united our lives even more to each other than before and  as deep as our connection is and has been to know that on another level and for a better word belong to each other legally means the bound is a bound of magic of the soul of light and dark a bound of space and a bound of time a bound that's eternal..
We as a couple made a decision  long ago that what we have is forever as long as we draw breath and that being the case there will be no escape. We were joined on the 28th of July and we have had these conversation about the fact that we love being able to call the other hubby (he also calls me wife :) ) but like with our relationship so far we try to approach everyday with humor and with love. What is funny is that I told him that sense putting a ring on his finger I find him even attractive and I seem to love him more, And he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how happy he is he married me. Feeling like this after being together over eleven years is amazing, I also know this being with this wonderful man means I am having the time of my life watching him get old :) I love calling him my old man it's magical.
Now what's really (can't think of a good word) about this picture Is that it means to me so much and it says so much with being so simple. I look at it and I can see the man who will hold my hand when it's time for me to go to heaven, or I see the hand I'm going to hold through the times he may have tears in his eye's or laughter in his heart. I see a photo that when we are ready we can add a child and more pet's, I see a tomorrow of anything our hearts desire. I see a support we will be there for each other no matter what and move heaven or earth to always do so. In this Photo I see My Husband forever and ever and for that I feel so blessed.

Are U ready for your Moment because we are!

        The subject of relationships and love and what have u seems now as always to be a hot bed of a conversation for anyone who wants to dip there toe into the pool of togetherness that we all on some level want to be a part of.  However what I find amusing is the fact that when it comes to this grand mystery we all call love the concept of both love and lust seem to become more confused that the workings of a computer.

       What I keep telling people is that lust is usually what the 1st couple of years are based on (anyone who says otherwise is telling a tall tale) I tell people who ask how Gary (pookie to the public) have been together as long as we have is the fact that while we still have our lusty moments the fact is we have based our relationship on fun and laughter and a common goal to build our life together and one day be a cross between burt and Ernie and the old men on the Muppet's.

      We like any couple had those first moments of fights and disagreements and the idea of if we could survive our own parts of our story that we were trying to fuse into one new book. However we decided that we didn't want to give up we wanted to be together and grow together. We learned how important it is to be there for each other and to make sure we stand behind the other when needed and by each others side otherwise.

     It's been told to me that I should write a book about relationships but why? what we know what we do is not a secret or magic (per say) it's love it's like but more than that it's life. It's our way of taking a moment everyday and making sure that the moment is one that can never be repeated because that is what a true moment is and knowing that we have learned to value that moment as a part of the story of us. I feel that so many people forget that and forget to live that moment what ever it may be.

    The other thing is no moment is perfect the fact is that it can't by nature be perfect at all times. However it's still a moment and because of that should be looked at and valued as a way to grow together and get to the next stage of what ever the story is meant to be.

  I know that I love my moments with pookie and what they mean for us as a couple and what we still learn about each other. I know after almost twelve years with this man and living these moments I have found the man who will one day be holding my hand when it's time for me to go to the next step of life or I will be there holding his and trying my best to make sure when he is ready to go I am what he sees. I hope and wish more people can one day find there other half but to do so I hope there at a point were there ready for what it means.
     

Our love story is never ending

  It's funny to me what the perception of what being a couple is and what it means. I love listening to shows on the radio and watching Talk shows (which makes pookie laugh) however what I am so tired of is all these people who are together and or married yet seem to be in a battle of dominance to show who is the alpha dog, however what I have to wonder is why? I mean what happened to understanding and togetherness, what happen to making a life together as partners not as enemy's  I mean when does the fighting when do the battle's stop.
  To me it's very funny the reaction Pookie and I get in regards to how we are as a couple and how we treat each other many people make the "gaging" noise because they say were sappy and were sweet , but why is that wrong?  We are amused allot buy these reaction's however we know what were made of and what our relationship is built on.
   The thing is we know that it would take something as finally as death to keep us apart and even then there is no guarantee that it would. Relationships true partner ships there sooo not easy but when u do the work when U want it more than anything it's soooooo worth it hands down.

I know God Love's me and my Fabulousness

   The last few day's have been an interesting viewing of the human condition and the way people are in what they believe there views are and how they are sure that there views are the only views and there for everyone else must be wrong. The problem I see with this is how can everyone be wrong?
   I have seen people who refuse to hear what someone has to say and use the idea of God as a reason to spread anger and hate and I still don't understand why?
   For instance I grew up Catholic and there for had my experience with church and the rules and regulations of what is expected of me both as a Catholic and an young Latino, however during My journey through being a Catholic I had to add in being Gay to the mix and there for had to deal with the Negative way Gay's are looked at through the eye's of the Catholic church, which even though this is what the church says never made sense to me and My inner voice that knows I am a good person who believes in a higher power but has lost his faith in the church. I do realize that even though that is my feeling that's OK, because the church is a building that never brought me the peace and the hopefulness that it seems to bring so many.
    Now I understand that many people fine happiness with the church and that's fine to me, because it's there life and if that is there bliss then so be it. For me and Pookie we know were good with the man upstairs and we lead a happy life of both love and respect to one another and our life together. As far as I know that is the way it is suppose to go.
    God should not now or ever be used as a weapon of operation to anyone and to people who say they don't believe, who is anyone to judge them that is there believe. Does it seem strange that the concept of God is based in faith  yet that simple thing seems sooo beyond what people or what most people seem capable of. I know that no matter what when it's my time to go to heaven I have to answer to one person only and they are not hanging around here.

The secret to being together so long

  As I'm coming down to leaving Florida and starting the next chapter of my story with pookie in California I'm looking so forward to being back in his arms and to hear his laughter and see the sparkle in his eye when I make him laugh or say something nerdy ( which he loves) .
  I love it when people ask me the "secret" to being together so long because I find it on some level to be a strange question given the fact that to us it seems so natural being together and making each other laugh and to love each other.  We don't see being together as something other that what it is, our life, But I think if I could some up anything about us is that we respect each other and love each other more than anything else. What also is true is the fact we see this as a moment in a life time of this adventure we enjoy having with one another.
  The last thing I can say is that loving pookie or better yet loving this amazing man after all these years is made easier because I don't forget to flirt with him and tell him how handsome and sexy he is and he always Tell's me even when I don't think so, but in our eye's were sexy porn star's who just happen to be funny. :) there now that is the secret to being together for so long.

A crack in the Fabulous

   It seems to me that people telling you that your being strong is suppose to be seen often as a good thing. It seems that it's a sign that you can "Handle" anything and people know you have it together. However do you really have it as together as everyone thinks or are you really good at hiding behind the wall of happiness you have constructed to make everyone feel better when there around you.
    Right now I am going through the journey of moving across country once more and I have tried so hard to keep my wall's up and make sure that at all times I appear put together and in control and what I find is that the control is at times more for the people surround me because it puts them more at ease thinking that the journey or the stress is not getting to me and that I have got this.
  The fact is when people are telling you that during these times it's because there keeping that wall up and the story going but the truth is they may not have it. they may be over whelmed, or maybe in serious need of a good cry or drink or just someone to say {hey it's OK}. I know right now I don't want to hear "how" strong I am or what have you because it's not something it's helpful to me, I know I would  rather have a joke or a hug or ASK me how it's going and be OK with the answer even if it's not an answer that makes you comfortable.
  I know my wall is still there and it's fabulous but I'm getting better with being OK with the fact that my wall sometimes crack because I know the crack does not make me less fabulous and does not make me less OK. The Crack just makes me, me and I am OK with that.