The Crack In My Bling

  Something I don't think they tell u when your  growing  up is the  fact  that they { meaning people} make it always seem that life as a grown up is a time of adventure and fun and beauty. However I am hear to say  that cannot  be farther from the truth...I wish so much that now  a day's kid's were not in such a hurry to grow up and take the time to make sure they enjoy there child hood's while they can. I mean what happened to ridding bikes and playing hide and seek or freeze tag there were so many funny thing growing up that I would not change for the world.  In fact I remember My MOM trying to teach me how to skate NO not roller blade I mean Roller skate because that's how we do it.

   What's funny to me is people are so serious all the time I mean yes Life can be hard but it's up to us weather we allow our self's to get old and be unhappy, let's face it unless your going to live with mom and dad for ever u have to get out and go into the big bad world to find your spin on it and how u can make your story the best it can be.  What people I think don't understand is the hardest part about growing up is the  stress and what it does to you and how your body reacts to it. However weather or not we play is up to us and that alone is a stress buster like no other.

Sugar and spice but i's still so nice

   It's funny to me sometimes when u learn things about yourself and what's strange is when u learn these things u then have to decided how your going to handle what ever life has started to trow at you. I have just learned that I am diabetic and what that has done is opened my eyes to the fact that I make the choice and the decision on how to take care of my self and what I am going to do with this knowledge.
    Instead of worrying I have decided to use this as a goal to better my self and make my self a better person...what I have learned that's really strange is the fact that I never realized how my out of control sugar made me nutty, and what I mean buy that is my mood's were so out of control at times..
    No more mood swings for me {lucky pookie}  and also I have lost weight but what's interesting about this is weight has always been an issue in my life growing up because I'm not a size 33 but that's fine that was a goal I let go years ago because I realized that for me that was not a healthy goal and I hated starving my self.
   My goal is not really weight loss because that's an effect that I see coming from what I'm doing, my goal is to be healthy and be able to do more and not have pain, I defy someone to say well ye I'm larger but I don't hurt the fact is you may not hurt know but u will hurt and if u wait to long it may be to late to do anything about it. Life is short but it's also a gift you only get once and there is no receipt for the return.

    I know this I may be turning 40 in march but I'm proud to know I can still learn, I'm proud I am not scared of change, and I'm proud and lucky that my pookie is so supportive because if he were not I do wonder if this journey would be one I could have been on at all.

Have you seen the sign

•    It's strange to me me how we walk around never looking at what's in front of us or better yet waiting for the world to tell us what we should do or better yet to guide us in the direction we are meant to go in..Because if we do that it's mystic mumbo jumbo or hocus pocus and is that a bad thing?
•    We recently adopted to small kitten's what was funny about it was we were looking for a puppy and even though we saw dog's that were beautiful and loving we did not see the one that spoke to us. However on our visit to the humane society we saw these two little kittens who were playing with each other and seemed to sparkle like shadows given life. Something strange did happen though I could not get them out of my mind and after finding out no one had looked at them because of the superstitious nature that many people have made me realize even more that they were meant to come home with us.
•    What I found funny is the fact that I was a little worried if we were doing the right thing adopting both of them I kept seeing things that were twin related, almost as if the world the universe was saying "bring those baby's home".
•    The other event that struck me was the fact that I got a body pillow and in theory it's great but it meant separating the bed between pookie and I and I could not figure out what this caused me issue's sleeping because I was not watching or listening to the sign's the truth is I like being able to hold him at night and feel his warmth maybe get a little kiss or cop a feel :) once I listen to what I was being told I understood what I needed to do. 
•   Sign's are all around us and what the world wants us to know is all around us, however we have to listen we need to let go of our ego and listen which is truly one of the hardest things we as humans as people can ever do.

Tag are you still it?

I have found latly that I have started looking at the difference at how friendships are now vs. how they were as kids. I almost find it sad in some ways that the innocens we had we no longer have and unfortunaly because of that it is hard to see the beauty and the magic in friendships and what they bring.
When were kids we see everyone we know as a friend and we call them such even though on some level we know that these people are in our life's for a briff moment however it's a moment we need so that we will go on to the next level of what our life is suppose to be. Moving to florida has been a learning exsperence for me and what I see for my self and how I see the making of friendships and what they mean to me and truly the new rules of what they mean now at an older age.
I however am Lucky because I do have the pleasuere of having true friends and know the deepness in it of having the kind of friends who will do goffy things with me and not feel silly about it. My best friend knows my crazy and she still loves me even though I know there are times when she tell's me (YOUE SUCH A BOY) That's fine in my book. I hope my friends know that the magic that friends bring is a spell that really and truly can never be undone and because of that distance is just a seperation of space never of hart the way it is truly meant to be.

Understanding the true and hardest power to master

I find that at times understaning is the hardest thing to have in a relationship, because it call's for true unslelveshniss from one or both parts of the couple..I mean what do you do if you understand on some level you must play the supporting actor or sidekick to your partner because at this moment they have a chance to shine, and true love mean's giving your partner that chance so they have grow and learn and become what ever the next step for them is. I find that sometimes the person who is playing the back seat roll in fact has the harder role to play because there is no glory and attention, however you have to be fine with that knowing what your doing is very important in the long run.

When pookie and I made the desishion to come to florida I knew one major thing coming out here and that was a could not show fear I had to stand behind him and give him the courage I know he will need to be a success like I know he will be. I am human after all and I can't help the fact that at times I do feel a huge amount of envy and pride it's a very strange feeling at times makes me almost believe I'm dealing with sin, which in a strange way would be right because while I am feeling envy and sin I have love and lust for what he gift's me with..secerity and Life.

Some may think at times that I'm looking at life to old fasion in the way I take care of pookie and the things in my mind I feel are important to make sure I have done for him so that he can go forward and do what he needs to. Understanding is a heavy burddon to bear but I know one thing and maybe one thing only it's a burdon I must not only be willing to carry but find pride in carrying because I to am an important player in this story , while I am not be the hero the fact of the matter is the side kick does all he can to make the hero the star. So I know it's time to make my pookie shine all the time and however I can.

Loneliness is it a state of mind?

It's funny to me the longer we're here in Florida the more i find I keep looking at things that use to make me smile and laugh like i did as a kid. I find that I'm going on netflix and finding cartoon's and TV shows I use to watch, I do sometimes wonder if I'm doing this as a way to cope with my loneliness so that I can take it one moment at a time so I can deal with it in away that will allow me to not be over whelmed at any moment.

One thing I wish is that I knew someone who had already gone through this however I have to understand that everyone story is different and because of that, someone else who may have moved out here to east from west coast will not be going through the same things as I am.

Now what is funny is even though Pookie and I are both going through this at the same time, to tell the truth we are not, because he has a 2 month head start at understanding the different rules we now live under to a certain degree. I find now I have a certain amount of anger at times towards pookie even though I'm the one who told him to take this chance and go for it. I guess because I have no friends per say yet it makes it harder for me at times to understand what my new life has to offer and allow my self to step out of the fear and embrace this for what it is. The adventure of a life time.

the funny thing is as we get older we sometimes I believe thing that out time for adventure is over, I mean why not when we get a certain age were suppose to be settled and boring or so it seems, but why I bough in to this image is beyond me I mean what's wrong with making my own rules as we go along and decided for our self's what works and what does not work for us.. I

I know that dreams don't really die they do change and what my dreams's are now becoming I'm not 100% sure of however I do know this. I am very excited to ride the wave now just have to see were it takes me...:)

Dream, wish laugh never stop

It's funny to me at times the thing's I can hear people say when they think I'm not listening..if you ever want to learn about people listen to what they are truly saying at times. I always hear people complaining about what life "Owes them" vs. what they can do for them self's and for life.

I'm learning so much about my self with this move to the east coast vs. living on the west coast..I have learned that creating a new life for pookie and my self means being braver than I though possible, however I am also learning that I need to make sure before I get in to a point of complaining about life I realize Life is pretty good..

I have known people who have fought off cancer and have dealt with HIV people who find the smile's and the dreams that life still have to offer and never seem to see the shadow's life can have at time's...

Life is what we make of it, life is full of dreams that have yet to come true, so what we do in a moment with these dream's with these's wish's is in many ways a defining moment to who and what we will be.