Carrillo's Christmas or how the homo tree saved Christmas

          The funny thing is the older I get I realize that the concept of Christmas and what we want it to be is up to us and I remember more and more when I was a kid sitting by our Christmas tree and flying my land speeder through the Christmas tree and driving my mom nuts because if I made one of her Christmas ball's clink she was ready to strangle me and I always found it funny, so I would tell her...yes mom I'm not doing anything, of course I would wait and do it again, hee hee hee hee.

            To me when I think about Christmas as a kid that's what I think of. Cut to years in the future and the Christmas's that My sweet pookie and I have had as a couple and how they went.  

             Last year was my 1st Christmas as a married man and my 1st Christmas back in California after living in Florida for two years, What was odd was the for better word pressure I put on my self and my new hubby because it was our 1st Christmas being married and in my mind I had built up some strange image of what I thought that would mean, how people would react and for a better word maybe the glow that would come forth from me because of this new identity I had the privilege to take.

                Expectations I find are a great way to set your self up for disappointment because the build up is never what u think it should be..This year I have decided with My hubby to make this Christmas what WE want it to be with the traditions we choose to have and make, realizing that we have reached the point in our life's that to depend  on either family to make our holiday is ridiculous, we need to use what the family's offer as frosting never the filler of the cake of what Christmas is and could be.  I know that our traditions of setting up our tree and finding crazy Christmas ornaments and setting up the stocking and lights, that's ours to enjoy and do. Our tradition of how we buy gifts and share them it's up to us. I know Christmas will never have the magic it had when I was a kid and my mom would take the time to make it special, However I know that the magic now it maybe different because my mom is in heaven, but I know that ever time we set up our lights and tree we are doing honor  to mom, to the Christmas spell she would weave,  but I know that mom leaves a little of her magic with us every time we light those lights. So here is to Christmas the Christmas of the Carrillo's and the family and traditions we are making together.

Fear of failure or scared to relax

This is my year of improvement, this is my year to make my self better and do the kind of work to 

make this happen up till now, I have failed to do. However the part in this whole journey that was not expected is that on top of this is that work has been thrown in the mix and having to really strip down what I need to do to make this business a true success. 

     During this I have found that because of what I believe has to be done and that I am the only one who can get stuff done, has put me in a position of being stressed and at times over whelmed. I am learning with the help of a wonderful therapist that it's OK to relax, it's OK to sometimes do nothing. I am learning were this is coming from, and allot if from the way I grew up. 

      The way we grew up there was always something to do, and because of that even on a day off I find that I try to pack my day with so much so I feel at the end of the day that I have gotten stuff done, but why? What is the point, what am I truly hopping to achieve with driving my self nut's because I do not want to relinquish control and have a fear of failing but if I'm trying am I failing? What I am trying to understand now is that with out hiding behind food I have to learn new ways of dealing with everything even my hubby, who I adore but lord help me I something could put threw a wall. I just have to realize that that's not wrong to feel like that sometimes. The fact that Marriage is work is something that I do understand and I want to do the work he's worth it and I'm worth it. I also think because I'm surrounded by people who are ending relationships I know I don't want to become complaisant with the fact that we have been together so long. I know life is what we make it, so I just need to keep up the wk I need to do not to fail and make my story what I want it to be.

Mental Tune-up

 I find it funny, well funny might be the wrong word, the correct word may be miss informed. It seems to me the stigma that people have at the idea of speaking to a therapist is so wrong. Why is it that if our computers need "tune-up" or "car's" why should it be any different with our minds?
  I currently made the choice this year to see a therapist for a "tune-up" and the progress has helped me start to learn many things about myself, also to help me learn what my triggers our and were my motivations come from. I am learning that in many ways I have used food as a form of self medication, when ever life got to hard. This makes me no different then any addict I am now learning how to work with this.
  The Mind and the power of the brain is a wonder to behold and what I am also finding is that the effects of our childhood does still come to effect us as we get older, and it's not only the scars but it's the cause and effect of what ever we go threw. I'm learning buy talking with a therapist that even at my age I can still grow, I can still learn I can still be better and I know that now that I'm married now that I have even more reason to dream and hope, I want every thing life has for me. I am also learning that life owes me nothing but damn I want everything it has for me.

Forever after

       What is forever after and most importantly what does it mean, I mean truly mean. Sometimes it seems that people are so easy to let relationships go because things have gotten more complicated than they were willing to deal with. What I find interesting is were is it written that relationships are easy, but more than that were is it written that u should ever settle for less than the 100% BAM of what love is and could be.   
        Should being with someone ever be because it's convenient or should it ever be because one person is having a baby. When do we stand up and say I DESERVE THE BEST!! I mean why is that wrong.
With love with a relationship should we not have a foundation of friendship and should we not have a way to always work to stay connected. I mean come on people it's work don't fool your self and better yet, remember to talk to your partner and let them know what's in you and make them tell u what's in them.
         As we age and grow yes lord we are going to change, but never ever should we get to a point were we became complacent with one another, every day there should still be some kind of laughter and some kind of smiles, I mean why not, why should there ever be a reason not to tease and smile and laugh. your story as a couple is written as you go. It's only complete if u want it to be and the truth or better yet the fact is that the best love stories never end, because they go through out time.
     
     

What makes us Finally get full.

   This Year I am using the work I'm doing on my teeth to be a jumping off point to work on my weight, To really work on my weight I have had to look at why and how I have in many ways kept my self heavy and how I have justified doing so. I have started working with a therapist and am learning that a huge factor with me is the fact that like any addict I would use food to alter my mood to make me feel better,and that would be when ever I'm happy,sad, angry...it's always been my 1st impulse to find something tasty to chow down on. Now all these years later I have diabetes and high blood pressure, and I'm tired of it. I'm now to this age were I worry about my health about not being able to walk, of a heart attack, I know that at 42 I'm not indestructible and knowing that means that I have the option on if i am going to do something about my weight or not. I wish people understood that weight issues are not easy, that people with really bad ones have some demons that they might not know are there that need to be dealt with. I know that my journey is my journey and how I choose to take it is on me, not anyone Else's. I will have to see what happens next, and in a way I am very excited because I know that the story is not written yet.I just know that I don't want my weight to be a majority of my story, it would be better if it was just a foot note.

The smoke of the afterlife.

Life and the journey we take is sometimes for a better word complex and at times can be full of both good and bad light. Now I know that a believe in the afterlife is seem by some to be far fetched and out of the realm of reality, but is that a bad thing? 1st is it wrong to have a healthy respect for the afterlife, is it wrong to believe that at times spirits or Ghost as it were will hang around to give u nothing more at times a "hug" or maybe be a protective veil of security. When My mother passed it was a horrific moment of lost and on some level confusion. Now were that comes in the confusion part is that to this day when I feel stressed or over whelmed I smell smoke, not the kind that starts a fire but the kind that reminds me that my mom is around, I know my sister feels it as well. Now is that something that makes me crazy, something that makes me weird? Maybe but it's also a gift a way to let me know that when it's my time to go I know she will be waiting for me for any of the members of her family that she watches out for to make sure that the journey that we take next will be a journey of togetherness all ways.

Keeping the Crazy in checked

          It's Funny to me the idea's we get in our heads and what those idea's mean. It's funny to me how all of the trials we can go through have more effect on us than we sometimes want to admit. Now that is nothing new because depending how you were brought up and what u learned you may or may not have the skills to cope with things that could and at times seem beyond your control. However when u stop and you think about that Control is at times nothing more than an illusion that we inflict on our self's because in truth we do not understand how our life is unfolding. I have learned that it's not a bad thing to seek out help in understanding the turmoil or better yet the uncertainty we feel. I find that at times speaking to someone with no emotional connection is great because the fear of judgment is not there and because that fear is not there the lines of communications are greater and more open. I have decided to speak to someone to help me understand the weight of the last  few years and what it all means with a little come clarity. I feel I am not someone who looks down on being willing to get help, but I do know that it is my job to put in the work and make sure I have the courage to take the journey and be OK with the out come.

When is it time to stop the partying?

          I found my self driving today in west Hollywood and was noticing how during the day the luster of this  Town seems to have dulled it self during the day. What is interesting is that when I was younger and going through the process of coming out, West Hollywood to me seemed like this safe and in some respect magical place. A place to take the journey of discovery a place to learn what a young gay man should have learned when everyone else was learning how to date. I remember sneaking over to west Hollywood to watch and maybe to dance, to talk to a guy, I remember having my 1st real kiss and the song that was playing (total eclipse of the heart). Now what is so funny is that after many years, many nights of dancing Many hook ups. I know see West Hollywood with a different eye, I look at it with less luster and less shine. I see it as a place that at one time meant more to me than it does now, but like anything it is a place that needs to live and needs survive. I look now at being an older gay man who is married and has lived a life of lessons and at times a life of wonder/shock/laughter. I look now at west Hollywood as not a place for hook-ups but perhaps a place for a date night with my husband. A place were we can go to dinner maybe dance, peep some hot guys "wink" but go home more in love than before. I look now at being a husband as a time to maybe not party but be willing to have fun in different ways, maybe in ways to share the laughter and the joy and the wonder and the love with my husband. That is the best time we can have hands down.

Married Life is freaking cool

    I find that I am having a huge fabulous time being married and to many that may seen weird or strange, however The togetherness and the Love I feel coming from this crazy man I have bounded my self to two and how I feel about him and the sheer magical feeling we experience while in each others company almost has no words.
  I find being married is hard work, imagine if u will working out or dieting, maybe studying for a test, what if u took all those things and put them together? If u did then u might start to understand the work that goes into being married. Were is it written that marriage is easy? were is it written that there will never be conflicts?
   I find that being married is an adventure I have never been so happy to undertake, what this is teaching me though is how to be the person I want to be with less stress and fear but with the the will and the happiness to know that our story is still growing and still writing it's self and were will be next is soooo exciting to see.